p0nderosa: Vietnam - Hanoi Day 2

Today we crammed all the key Hanoi sights into the one day. We woke up and were ready to go at 7.30, and the first destination was the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum. We used the map the hotel had given us and walked the way as it was only about a 20 minute walk however in 30 degrees and 80% humidity it felt more like a two hour walk. On the way we got distracted by taking movies of the mad traffic and wandering down the tree lined boulevards of embassies.

The line to HCM Mausoleum was incredibly long, but fortunately moved quite quickly and before we knew it we were entering the museum, where the line kept on moving at quite a rapid pace and before we knew it we were exiting the museum after spending mere seconds walking in a line past Ho Chi Minh's body. It was a very strange experience and I spent most of those seconds watching the Vietnamese instead of the body, as you could see how much they revered 'Uncle' Ho.

Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum

After the Mausoleum it was a case of following the tourist route to see the One Pillar Pagoda, Temple of Literature, Hanoi Hilton and avoiding as many motos and postcard touts as possible. At One Pillar Pagoda we were targeted straight away by two moto drivers, and as it was our first day in Vietnam although we knew they were trying to get our business we also weren't able to brush them off. They used the tried and true method of being as helpful and nice as possible, and then laying on the guilt when we didn't require their services. The worse thing is they know exactly where tourists will get confused and lost, and lay in wait to 'help' them all out.

One Pillar Pagoda

Temple of Literature

After walking all over Hanoi in the heat, humidity, exhaust, and being yelled at by every moto driver we passed, we were in desperate need of air conditioning and some relaxation and in the midst of filthy cyclo and moto garages and shops we passed a day spa which I imagine would be similar to walking past a desert oasis. Without any hesitation we went in and booked the most indulgent treatment possible, a 3 hr thai massage, scrub & mudwrap. We booked for a few hours later so went back to the hotel for a cold shower and rested.

Now, let me just preface this by saying I have only ever had one professional massage in my life. The girl worked for two hours to remove about a hundred knots from my back, and then looking exasperated in the end she demanded I do sit ups and buy a new couch. This is what I thought all massages would be like, and although it might not be relaxing I was just happy to pay to sit in airconditioning for three hours instead of the exhaust smelling heat of Hanoi.

Our treatment started with a nice little surprise; as my friend and I were having similar packages the owner decided to put us in a VIP room together. Thinking that would be pretty cool we followed our girls into a lovely room with the massage tables up and ready. The girls then handed us some see through plastic panties and motioned for us to take our clothes off. This is where the awkwardness set in. Not only was I in a room with two strange Vietnamese girls, but my friend of over 20 years was also invading my personal space. No worries I thought, there was a shower stall and a toilet so we managed to change in them before getting onto the tables. 15 minutes into the massage all was going well, but then my masseuse decided to indulge me with many comments on how 'nice' my body was. She then instructed me to lie on my back while continuing with these comments. Oh I thought, how lovely these Vietnamese girls are - they obviously have no idea what nice means but thats flattering. This is also when my perceptions of a massage changed. This girl was definitely not trying to get my knots out, she was just trying to challenge my flexibility. Having never had a Thai massage before, the sheer variety of positions this girl was putting me into was making me blush. Due to the outside heat, awkwardness, personal space invasion and my limbs constantly going akimbo, I was really starting to work up a sweat. My masseuse was also starting to work up a sweat and decided to do this really nifty position of putting her foot on the back of my thigh and pushing as hard as she could on it. During one such push into the back thigh, sweat on my thigh and on her foot didn't agree with the pressure and her foot slipped..... my life flashed before my eyes and I yelled in panic - I felt guilty enough that this girl had me in more positions than my boyfriend ever had, but I was never expecting this. As luck would have it, her foot didn't end up in the danger zone and the massage came to an end.

Turns out massages don't just simply end like that though, especially when you have booked yourself in for a 3 hour extravaganza. It was now time to get my mud mask on and I was pretty relaxed about all this - a brush, mud and a bit of cling wrap, what could go wrong?

What could go wrong is you could get a masseuse who seems to want to traumatise you for life. Again with the 'nice body' comments, and she just had a real knack for choosing when to tell me she liked my body. The brush hits my chest - out comes a comment, the brush goes dangerously low down my backside - out comes a comment. My friend meanwhile is laughing, in between screaming my name, in which I look at her, only for her then to scream 'Don't Look!'. Too late buddy.

I don't even know why we bothered with covering up and being modest in the first place. Two and a half hours of screaming at each other to not look at each other, stupidly attempting to cover our modesty with towels and bathrobes and mud and see through panties later, all was lost when it was time for me to be moisturised after getting off all the mud. Let's just say my friend no longer needs an imagination, and my masseuse really enjoyed moisturising my chest.

My advice to you; avoid the Thai massage.